He venido encendida al desierto pa' quemar
Porque el alma prende fuego cuando deja de amar
Little to say. Everything around me is empty, and the void is immense, dark, silent, scary.
In these days there were moments of pure despair, in which emptiness presented itself in the form of an abyss. The calmness with which I could contemplate the possibility of embracing the darkness was frightening. Not only did it seem extremely simple, but real. I felt the force of the attraction, it was stronger than me, and while I closed my eyes, the peace I felt comforted me. The time had come!
I felt free, I felt happy!
And then I was surprised ... I was sorry! How, if the reason for my despair was to have lost the ability to feel anything?
Was I already dead? Had I been dreaming? I know, I'm going crazy.
Everything, a nightmare. Get me out of here, take me away, no matter where.
I'm suffocating ...
I was not born for this. I was not born to
Exist
E - X - I - S - T
What a word so false, so empty, so naked.
Because existing is no more than being. Being what?
It does not define, it is abstract.
Like me.
Monday, 1 June 2015
Saturday, 23 May 2015
In my blood...
It's not that I forget. It's just that sometimes I go to bed at night, and I remember that I've been without remembering him all day.
And then, at an untimely and unexpected moment, my ears pick the music playing on the radio, and I freeze at the song I heard on the day he left, and it was so perfect for him, for us. In our last goodbye, I placed a note with the lyrics on the front pocket of his shirt, and shared the moment with him. How I missed him so much already and he'd only be gone a few hours before. In my heart I only felt gratitude, I thanked him for everything.
Listening to the song again always brings me back to that last moment when no one realized what I was doing, when I honored his legacy though the shared love for music and joy, and found peace in knowing that we would always be together through the music he shared, his stories, his way of being, his eyes, of his blood.
I want to cry, I miss them, its a lie, pain doesn't go away with time.
But I smile. Love is like that. It's in my blood.
Don't go my friend.
I like to have you around.
But I...
But I know you are to go.
Carry me, entertain me
or just play a sound to me and impose my emotion...
And I'll celebrate! Just wanted to make up time.
Do you wanna stay?
I dream of you and you are alright, I don't wanna wake up.
Don't say a word.
Hold me and give yourself some breathing space...
I know... Hold me... Keep me...
Carry me, entertain me
or just play a sound to me and impose in my emotion...
And I'll celebrate! Just wanted to make up time.
Do you wanna stay?
I dream of you and you are alright, I don't wanna wake up.
Is this ending our chain of love, I don't wanna break it...
Carry me, entertain me
or just play a sound to me and impose in my emotion...
And I'll celebrate...
I don't wanna wake up.
I just wanted to make up time.
Do you wanna stay?
And then, at an untimely and unexpected moment, my ears pick the music playing on the radio, and I freeze at the song I heard on the day he left, and it was so perfect for him, for us. In our last goodbye, I placed a note with the lyrics on the front pocket of his shirt, and shared the moment with him. How I missed him so much already and he'd only be gone a few hours before. In my heart I only felt gratitude, I thanked him for everything.
Listening to the song again always brings me back to that last moment when no one realized what I was doing, when I honored his legacy though the shared love for music and joy, and found peace in knowing that we would always be together through the music he shared, his stories, his way of being, his eyes, of his blood.
I want to cry, I miss them, its a lie, pain doesn't go away with time.
But I smile. Love is like that. It's in my blood.
Don't go my friend.
I like to have you around.
But I...
But I know you are to go.
Carry me, entertain me
or just play a sound to me and impose my emotion...
And I'll celebrate! Just wanted to make up time.
Do you wanna stay?
I dream of you and you are alright, I don't wanna wake up.
Don't say a word.
Hold me and give yourself some breathing space...
I know... Hold me... Keep me...
Carry me, entertain me
or just play a sound to me and impose in my emotion...
And I'll celebrate! Just wanted to make up time.
Do you wanna stay?
I dream of you and you are alright, I don't wanna wake up.
Is this ending our chain of love, I don't wanna break it...
Carry me, entertain me
or just play a sound to me and impose in my emotion...
And I'll celebrate...
I don't wanna wake up.
I just wanted to make up time.
Do you wanna stay?
On a starry night...
And so I started ... when the story already goes a long way...
But it was important to start. A story whose end, only I know, and I've known it for many many years now.
I can not start at the end, it would be counterproductive. So I start for the last half hour.
In this last half-hour, in the semi-tranquility of the local beach on a Friday night, with a glass of red wine and a dog that could not decide if he was tired, or if he wanted to continue in an hallucinative mood, a brief instant became light Suddenly, overwhelmingly, I realized that I was on my own, with myself, the one and only.
Everything, but everything, around me, was secondary. All the noises were muffled. The lights were dimmed. Time has stopped. Briefly. I looked around and felt my presence. I in the body, in space, in time, in self.
It was strange, but at the same time, beautiful. I realized that for a long, long time I did not have a moment like this. Maybe years. Yes. Years. It will be possible?
I've been hallucinating for years. In constant haste, and disconnected with myself, with the world. Always running, always running, but running where? From who? Looking for what?
I found myself at that moment, I met myself. But in this moment of clarity, I realized I was lost within myself.
I look at the dog, I think of my mother ... authentic salvation buoys, which I chose to keep for myself, to avoid the disappointments of others.
But whom do I disappoint in the end? Was Kurt Cobain right, when one day he said goodbye with "It's better to burn out than to fade away"?
Until the day arrives, I decided to write. About everything, or nothing, or moments like this ... empty, but full of meaning. Or not, most likely they will make no sense. They are only moments. Without any classification.
For now, grateful for the decision I made, I will surrender to the silence of the night, clinging quietly to my dog.
But it was important to start. A story whose end, only I know, and I've known it for many many years now.
I can not start at the end, it would be counterproductive. So I start for the last half hour.
In this last half-hour, in the semi-tranquility of the local beach on a Friday night, with a glass of red wine and a dog that could not decide if he was tired, or if he wanted to continue in an hallucinative mood, a brief instant became light Suddenly, overwhelmingly, I realized that I was on my own, with myself, the one and only.
Everything, but everything, around me, was secondary. All the noises were muffled. The lights were dimmed. Time has stopped. Briefly. I looked around and felt my presence. I in the body, in space, in time, in self.
It was strange, but at the same time, beautiful. I realized that for a long, long time I did not have a moment like this. Maybe years. Yes. Years. It will be possible?
I've been hallucinating for years. In constant haste, and disconnected with myself, with the world. Always running, always running, but running where? From who? Looking for what?
I found myself at that moment, I met myself. But in this moment of clarity, I realized I was lost within myself.
I look at the dog, I think of my mother ... authentic salvation buoys, which I chose to keep for myself, to avoid the disappointments of others.
But whom do I disappoint in the end? Was Kurt Cobain right, when one day he said goodbye with "It's better to burn out than to fade away"?
Until the day arrives, I decided to write. About everything, or nothing, or moments like this ... empty, but full of meaning. Or not, most likely they will make no sense. They are only moments. Without any classification.
For now, grateful for the decision I made, I will surrender to the silence of the night, clinging quietly to my dog.
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